Reminiscing


It was wonderful, while it lasted...a most memorable year, 2010. Some things are better left unsaid, of course, but I feel deep inside me this need to express, to let go, to share...hoping that through this, I will be completely healed.

You are wonderful. I admire everything about you. Your personality, your physique, your career and all the achievements you have accomplished, your intelligence, the studies you have had, your travels, your daily activities, your sports, your blog, your family and friends. And your words. At times you have such power to attract, to inspire, to make one laugh. I found it really cute. Everywhere I go, there would always be something to remind me of you...a song, a book title, a gadget on display, a shirt, etc. I found myself always thinking of you then.



Inspite of all these, I couldn't help but listen to my conscience. We are not meant to be. And yet, I couldn't let go. I wanted, no, needed, your presence in my life then. I was going through some difficult moments, and having you was a comfort to me. Although of course, we were never physically present to one another, the distance didn't matter...for I feel your closeness.


Nonetheless, I know, on your side, it was probably just fraternal. Perhaps, it was just an act of charity. I didn't matter to you the way I thought I was. In the beginning maybe...how long was it? Three months? Then after that you changed. I bored you. I'm sorry. But I refused to acknowledge it and continued to dream on a non-existent relationship for the whole year, and some more. I endured the long silences, the unanswered messages. I kept on, unashamed that I was. It was like pursuing a fallen star from the sky...knowing it was gone, but hoping to find where it had landed. Impossible, wasn't it?


Finally, your last word, "HE told me don't ever do that, sorry." 


It wasn't easy. But I want to thank you so much for that explanation. Eight short words. You broke the silence. That was enough. And it was a final wake up call for me. 


I have to let go.


No, it wasn't easy. For some time, I was in a state of denial. I couldn't accept, I refused to acknowledge, that it was all over. A love that blossomed from a friendship, rather, acquintance, that began fifteen years earlier...rekindled old flames. How could it has stopped, ended, died?  So soon, before it even began...we hardly had time for each other. I wanted to have more memories with you. No, I didn't want it to end so soon. I didn't want it to end at all.


(sigh) It never was. You were never truly involved. It was mostly one sided...in the beginning, you were so sweet, so thoughtful and considerate. Was it all a facade? I would never know.


I don't know what the future holds...perhaps you will fall in love again? Perhaps I would? We don't know these things...except that, it is forbidden love. One that we should avoid at all cost. Our human frailty, alas, will accompany us for the rest of our lives. Only God's grace will help us overcome every temptation that might come our way. I pray for you. And I hope you also pray for me.


Thank you for the memories. I will treasure them forever. Always.